May 13, 2021
Another Girl Discovers Her Passionate Admiration For Stephen Malkmus
The news was inevitable. In fact, every year approximately 297 new girls discover (and fall in love with) Stephen Malkmus, a musician most notable for being the primary songwriter and lead singer of the 90s alternative rock band Pavement.
Sarah (who is probably from Southern California) discovered Stephen Malkmus and his massive music catalogue through the song “I Wish I Was Stephen Malkmus” by Beabadoobee.
“After listening to the song (which was recommended to me on Spotify), I instantly googled his name, read his Wikipedia, and just started listening to his music,” said Sarah, beaming with excitement. “Went all the way from Slanted and Enchanted to Traditional Techniques in less than a week. I think I’m obsessed.”
And she’s not the only one obsessed. Many girls adore his music, even if boys are unable to understand his appeal.
“I don’t really understand his appeal,” said Craig, a boy who happened to be a huge Nirvana fan. “He’s weird. But not like, cool weird. He’s like a dork. He looks like he lived in his mom’s basement for most of his life. I just don’t get it. Girls aren’t into Nirvana, they’re into Pavement for some reason.”
Many girls, however, explain that his weirdo slacker vibes are part of his appeal.
“His lyrics are surreal, but romantic. They’re cryptic, but understandable. It’s like he understands how I’m feeling but he takes the scenic route in his 1991 faded green Honda Civic with barely audible jazz on the radio to explain that he understands me,” explained Sarah, while sipping on jasmine green tea in her room sparkling with fairy lights climbing the walls.
Sarah is planning on adopting a cat soon, and already has a name picked out for him: Stephen Meow-kmus.
“My cat’s gonna be so cute! I’m really excited. I just wish I could meet a guy who was like Stephen Malkmus. Instead, I meet guys who talk about the Pixies (and how they influenced Nirvana) non-stop.” Sarah sighed.
Thus, the inevitable spread of Stephen Malkmus fangirldom continues.
