May 1, 2021
Overwatch Player Can’t Find A Different Game To Play Until Overwatch 2
“There’s still no release date!” cursed Andrew, also known as “SneakyTurtle” in the competitive online action game Overwatch developed by Blizzard Entertainment. “What am I supposed to do?!”
Overwatch fans have been waiting for a sequel to the game since it was first demoed on the BlizzCon floor in 2019. Many fans were excited about playing the game’s new Story missions, hoping it will finally flesh out the world that Blizzard has attempted to build.
“There’s like, barely any story!” one Overwatch fan said. “Like, we get these Archives events but they barely reveal anything! Great, a robot makes beer. How original. I’m so interested.” The Overwatch fan might have been sarcastic.
However, a former employee of Blizzard went on to mention that a robot making beer, is in fact, original. “Name me one piece of media about a robot making beer. Please, indulge me,” said the former Blizzard employee, with a hint of righteousness. “Yes, I’m sure you can find examples of machines making beer in various forms of media, but a humanoid robot? A humanoid robot making rum, india pale ales and more? I thought not. We are ahead of the times! We are the future of storytelling. No other writers are even comparable to our greatness and the creativity we employ. Other writers are miles beneath the dirt that rests below our shiny sneakers, and we stand above-
The former Blizzard employee probably said more stuff but I got bored. Which is, in fact, what every Overwatch player has been feeling. There has been very little new content in Overwatch since the release of Echo in 2020, and the Deathmatch map Kanezaka in 2021. It’s a slow season.
“What am I supposed to play?” cried SneakyTurtle. “Apex Legends? Valorant? Nothing scratches my gaming itch except for Overwatch! No, I don’t have other hobbies!”
SneakyTurtle sunk down into his chair, looking defeated. The tears slowly rolled down his fragile, unkempt skin, and the salty river entangled itself into his light moustache he has been trying to grow since the start of quarantine.
SneakyTurtle also has a Nintendo Switch and a PS4, plus about 200+ games on Steam. “But those games aren’t Overwatch!” he screamed when I brought up all of the other games he owned. He threw his stuffed Pachimari at me in his rage, which I calmly dodged to avoid serious injury.
He gazed out his window, observing the light rays reflecting off his off-white closet doors, a combination of pink and yellow hues radiating energy through the room. He tried to curve the corners of his mouth into a smile, but he lacked the strength to perform such a strenuous feat.
And can you blame him? With no new content in Overwatch, he was stripped of his strength. His motivation to trudge through this mundane life has been stolen from him. The lack of new content has kicked his shins, stolen his lunch money, and left him crying in the mud. He was broken.
Broken from no new content in Overwatch.
